i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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