Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
