just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
