My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
