You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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