my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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