I met the friendliest cop last night
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
