I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
