I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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