after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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