I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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