don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
