so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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