mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
