Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
