new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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