shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
