Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
