i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
