I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
