I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
