My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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