what day is it and did you see me today?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
