The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
