It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
