I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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