Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
