why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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