and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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