So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
