is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You are a genius and a whore.
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