Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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