Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
