Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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