You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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