i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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