My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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