he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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