brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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