Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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