just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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