Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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