It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
