I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
