That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
As shirtless as possible
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
