he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
