I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
