just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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