I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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