I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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