Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
