Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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