I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
